I Tried and I Failed

It started with a gif.

The girl in the clip lies flat on the floor with her hands clasped behind her, a long white pole looped between her arms and her lower back. Slowly she pulls her knees forward and then gracefully comes to a standing position with a big smile and a visible six-pack. The heading on this gif was “EVEN HARDER THAN IT LOOKS.”

I watched it, rewatched it, and then with an arrogance borne of pure ignorance thought, “Well it doesn’t lookΒ thatΒ hard.”

Exhibit A: The Challenging Gif

I watched the gif again. I read over the comments explaining that to do this correctly, the head, shoulders and pole must stay off the ground. I nodded to myself. Challenge accepted, I thought, nodding confidently, even though nobody had challenged me.

On a mission of my own making, I marched through the apartment with singular focus. I found the mop and pulled off the head with a satisfying THWUNK. I carried the pole to the area in front of the fireplace and lay down on my front.

So far, so good.

I placed the mop handle on my lower back. I locked my fingers together, clasping it in place. I like to think that in this moment my face was a mask of grim determination, but in reality I was probably just facing the wall with the blank resignation of a beached porpoise.

Alright, I thought. Right knee first.

I pulled my right knee up, and then attempted to move my left. This movement shifted my centre of gravity, and in slow-motion I tilted forward, coming to rest on my chin. I looked down my nose at the floorboards and huffed out a sigh of foiled ambition. I put my left knee back down. I moved it up a couple of millimeters and again, my chin came down on the ground. I growled with frustration, and wiggled myself back to the starting position.

The third time, I shifted my left knee and managed to tilt my pelvis up in the air. For a brief moment I felt like I might be getting somewhere; my shoulders weren’t touching the floor and neither was my chin or my pelvis or the mop handle. Unfortunately, I had reached as far as I was going to get.

I was stuck.

I tried to keep going, but I couldn’t move without starting a slow, creaking descent to the floor. I stared blankly at the floor for a moment, and then I started to giggle. There, on the floor, with one knee up around my waist and a mop handle lying across my back, I started to giggle to myself and then I just couldn’t stop. The giggles turned to laughter and I lost the little strength I had in my midsection. My body slumped and the side of my face came to rest against the floor. That made me laugh harder, and soon there were tears streaming from my eyes. I imagined someone walking in and stumbling across my misshapen form, and my laughter turned into hysterical howls.

I spotted movement at the door and shifted my head to meet he worried gaze of my cat, Oscar. He was puffed up defensively and crouching low to the ground, tiptoeing towards me with a face of grave concern. His eyes, wide as saucers, were the only thing countering his sudden and startling resemblance to a fat raccoon trying to steal some food.

The sight of Oscar creeping towards me stole the last bit of breath from my lungs. My laughter turned into choking, wheezy gasps. Oscar carefully and reluctantly picked his way over my knee and under the pole until he was right in front of my face. He stared intently at me, his nose against mine, and then, after a few seconds, apparently decided that there was no danger present other than my own stupidity. He depuffed himself with a shake and trotted over to the side of the room, where he sat at a safe distance to supervise my moronic behaviour. I watched him through a watery haze, laughing to myself on the floor with my mop handle and no upper body strength.

By the time my laughter died away, I was done. I unclasped my hands. I wiped my cheeks and threw the mop handle onto the couch. I picked up Oscar and gave him a hug for coming to check on me, and then went back to work.

It is, indeed, harder than it looks.

  1. Bahahahahaha. I can picture you now. Now I wanna try!

    1. Please PLEASE do!

  2. And you never thought we might want to see this on video? πŸ˜‰

    1. I don’t think the world is ready for that kind of entertainment Lane!

  3. Bwahahahaha this made me giggle out loud too! I can totally imagine failing in the same way (and then laughing at the absurdity of it all!) Good old Oscar for coming to check if his hooman is okay.

    1. I haven’t laughed that hard in a long time! For that alone I’m glad I tried it even if I did fail spectacularly….!

      1. I just shared this with a facebook group full of funny ladies, and some of them are keen to try it now. <3

        We’re spreading the gif-love!

        1. Let me know how you get on!

  4. Your post is written with clarity and humour but alas, it lacks one thing that would have made it perfect. … The video to show that Oscar the cat showed empathy and was not harmed during the course of your hilarious experiment. πŸ˜πŸ˜‚πŸ˜ƒ

    1. If my hands hadn’t been busy I would have taken a photo of his little worried face! It was pretty cute!

  5. It is, indeed, harder than it looks.

  6. I see what the problem is.

    If you look carefully, just before Blondzilla there raises her torso she scissors her knees in twice. That motion coupled with massive abdominal strain produced a fart of sufficient strength to propel her over the top. It’s similar to how I get out of a bathtub.

    Oscar is lucky you didn’t know the secret….

  7. Yep it’s like the cinnamon challenge… You think it can’t possibly be that hard, so why not tape yourself trying it? hahahah

  8. Both my kids were able to do this… me, not so much. I think it might be an age thing.

  9. Well now I know how I’m spending the rest of the afternoon.

  10. Ha…ha….ha….hahahahahahahahahahahaha

  11. hahahahahaha…….this is awesome!! You are awesome!! HAHAHA

  12. […] Note for my friend Quinn.Β  The tree growing in the tight space beside the bus shelter continues to […]

  13. Quinnnnnnn…..come back, Quinnnnnnnnnnn. It’s almost Christmas and you haven’t posted your Wish List. I won’t be able to send your present in time if you don’t post it soon!

  14. Ahahahahahaha amazing.

    Hope all is well. xox.

  15. Fantastic read! Hope 2019 is going well so far! πŸ˜€

    If you like, I was thinking of linking to your blog as part of my Sunshine Blogger Award, as a way of linking new readers together. No need to take part in the personal quiz if you’d prefer not to, but would you like your blog signposted for news readers to check out?

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