An ice-cream truck drives by my house almost every single day.

I know this because I can hear it as it tinkles along. It plays a teeth-grindingly irritating melody that I could hum for you by heart if I were able to hold any semblance of a tune, and even when it’s raining out I still hear it, like I’m being haunted by a particularly obnoxious music box.

Since nobody in their right mind is buying ’99s* in the Irish autumn, I have a theory about this ice-cream man:

I think the ice-cream merchant is a drug dealer.

Granted I have never seen him (unless he’s the man that wolf-whistled at me from a van with ‘Mr. Softee’ written down the side, in which case… the jokes write themselves), so my theory is based solely on my auditory experience of his daily habits. There just doesn’t seem to be any other explanation for a musical jingle of that sort to be ringing out when the weather is decidedly chilly. Nobody can convince me that even when it’s raining and people are wearing parkas over polo necks, my area is in fact a hotbed of activity for frenzied ice-cream aficionados.

And so what are we left with? We’re left with a suspicious ice-cream van touring the city, suspiciously ringing out a suspicious Pied Piper tune every evening when it’s starting to get dark.


Obviously I need to do some undercover reporting to catch this absolute monster who is out there peddling ’99s and probably crystal meth. In my mind it’s a lot like when Walt and Jesse started up their enterprise in Breaking Bad, except that instead of a camper van it’s an ice-cream van, and instead of being inconspicuous in the middle of the desert he’s blasting that subliminal-messaging music up and down the streets of Dublin. I need to find this heinous human.

I don’t care about the ice-cream. 

I don’t care about his potentially illegal side-gig.

I just want to rip the music-box out of his van so I no longer have to feel my blood pressure rise to the slow and disproportionately maddening rhythm of his ice-cream melody.

And then I might buy a ’99 with strawberry syrup off him.

Even if it’s raining.


*That’s a vanilla cone with a Cadbury’s flake stuck in it for any deprived souls out there who have yet to enjoy the simple pleasure of a ’99

  1. Imagine being the driver & listening to that all day !

    1. I would LOSE. MY. MI-

      Wait hang on. This introduces a whole new problem. We’re obviously looking for a madman.

      1. 🧐 or someone who has very poor musical taste 😂

  2. I’ve just realised why my Ice Cream Van Man gave me two 99’s for the price of one!! *shocked face …

    1. Hahaha!

  3. My first experience with an ice cream truck was when I was over at a friend’s house for a birthday party when I was in middle school (I think I was about 13). I heard this obnoxious melody getting louder and louder, so I yelled “What the hell is that noise!?” All my friends looked at me weird and one of them told me it was the neighborhood ice cream truck. I grew up in the country, so I was shocked to learn that they actually existed!

    1. That’s amazing! Did you think it was a myth from Enid Blyton books? The melody is unbelievably obnoxious so I like that your reaction wasn’t the planned Pied Piper response…

      1. I thought it was one of those “back in the day” relics everyone knew about… 😅

  4. Well you know when I lived in Poland, I saw people eating ice cream in all weather, no matter how cold. Although not really in the rain. So maybe it is a drug dealer.
    Also here in China, they have these street-cleaning trucks that blast “It’s a Small World” and it makes me want to murder someone!!!

    1. Oh wow. WOW. I get a kick out of It’s a Small World but I know some people who would legitimately be driven to homicide if they had to listen to it regularly!

      1. Yeah, like me.

  5. When I was a kid, the ice cream man was a dealer. Quite the neighborhood scandal when he got busted.

  6. Can I move to Dublin so that you and I can start a “strange and mildly benign crimes investigation unit?”

    1. Yes please and thank you

  7. ’99

  8. Hmmm…given the area I live in and the frequency of the ice cream van here (year round!) I consider your theory to have some merit. And I have to suffer the tune without being able to at least make up for it by stuffing my face on ice cream.
    On a side note, I have chosen Dublin for my first solo trip ever – excited!

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