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Let’s Talk About Sex, Baby

cosy

Sex is a tricky subject to blog about.

In a way, if I choose not to write about sex at all, ever, I stay safe. I stay private. In some ways, I stay in the shallow end, with my Finding Nemo armbands on, blowing bubbles in the water. It’s fun and it’s low-risk. I also feel, however, like it strips me of a side of myself. I know that it definitely makes me feel very two-dimensional. If I avoid the topic entirely, I am Mr. Potatohead as a tortilla, is what I’m saying.

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Just like this minus the moustache

So far on this blog you’ve seen that I have nightmares, can’t dress myself and harbour a natural and healthy disdain for Donald Trump. I’m not sure how I’m coming across so far – and we’re only a month in – but if you’re thinking, ‘This girl seems like someone who is slightly unhinged, and listens to terrible, terrible music when she’s feeling down, and possibly owns a pair of rainbow holographic hi-tops from the children’s section of Walmart‘ then you’re about half the way there. I am not a complex creature.

Having said that, that’s only part of a whole. I make things to relax. I can bake excellent chocolate chip cookies. On any given day you can find me typing next to the nearest heat source. I enjoy drawing. I love to travel. All of these things are true, and pleasant, and wholesome.

And then sex.

How do you throw that into the mix? It feels a little like standing up in the middle of mass and peeling your top off; there are definitely going to be some shocked faces in the congregation. Some people will wish you’d kept it on, some people will likely hiss, ‘Nobody needs to see that,‘ and still others will probably just stand up and walk out.

Then again, I’m an adult, or at least that’s what my official documents tell me. I’m an adult who yesterday spent a not-inconsiderable amount of time on Reddit guiding a complete stranger through the world of lingerie. I advised on the pros and cons of different types, and answered questions about when and where and how to best wear it.*

I’m an adult, and like it or not, when you’re an adult sex is part of your life. Whether or not you’re actually having any, whether or not you’re interested in it, whether or not you even know what you’re doing… it’s unavoidable. Not mentioning it doesn’t make it disappear. I don’t want to infantilise myself by pretending that it doesn’t exist. This blog is about adulting, right?

And this is what I’ve noticed about the blogging world so far. Even though the vast majority of bloggers are adults (often in relationships or actively dating), there is a deep and apparently unbridgeable divide between bloggers who discuss sex, and bloggers who don’t. I’m not sure if this is to do with wordpress rules, cultural taboos, privacy, or general awkwardness, but whatever causes it, it’s interesting.

On one side of the sex-talk abyss we have people who blog about travel, lifestyle, beauty, fashion, food, life observations, and general musings. These people don’t seem to ever discuss sex. It just doesn’t come up. It’s like it doesn’t exist. They bake muffins and hike through forests and talk about their children – who presumably came into the world in the traditional way, and not through immaculate conception – without referring to it once. Not even obliquely. At most, if they’re female, they might drop a comment about birth control.

Then, on the other side, are bloggers who only ever seem to write about sex. Having it, not having it, how to have it, and so on. They have their own little subcommunity, it seems. They talk about everything sex-related. Everything and anything. No, really.**

I don’t want to pitch tent in either of these camps. I feel like I need to wander into No Man’s Land and find myself a spot somewhere in between. I don’t want to talk about the particulars of my sex life; I like my privacy and I’m comfortable treading water in the shallow end. On the other hand, it doesn’t seem right to ignore it completely. It’s a part of adulting! That and cervical smears…

I’m open to any suggestions on how I might be able to meld the two. Or if you have a blog and you’ve posted about sex, link me down below!

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to bake butterscotch muffins.

 

*I’m a big fan of lingerie. BIG fan.

**The rabbit hole goes really, really deep, guys. Just… just take my word for it.

 

65 thoughts on “Let’s Talk About Sex, Baby

  1. The premise of my blog at the beginning was focused on my experience with sexual assault, and though that is a whole other kind of ‘sex talk,’ I feel that it’s a subject that readers (not bloggers) are not always accepting of. The topic of sex is a very niche subject, so a reader following a beauty and/or lifestyle blog might be taken aback when they come across a post about sex from the same person who just posted days ago about a review on the Kylie Jenner Lip Kit. Then there are those blogs dedicated to sex alone, which I’ve found attract a certain crowd, if you will… not one that is into beauty and/or lifestyle blogs.

    1. Yeah. It’s strange right? I feel like there needs to be less of a stigma. I love your blog. I feel like you’re honest and brave about things that require honesty and bravery to talk about.

        1. Haha who was it said, “Lead me not into temptation, I can find the way myself”?

          But no, by all means lead me. Never hurts to get directions!

          1. Hahahaha. Never heard that one myself, but I like it. πŸ™‚ Right now my favorite is Confessions of An Adulterer. https://confessionsofanadulterer.wordpress.com/2016/11/01/first-blog-post/
            His blog is pretty self-explanatory, but his writing style is great. Then there is the Wandering Lolita. https://wanderinglolitablog.wordpress.com/
            She’s pretty much the female version of the first one.
            Secrets of a Lawyer was one of my favorites, but she stopped posting unfortunately, but here’s her link: https://secretsofalawyer.wordpress.com/
            There was another one I followed that posted erotica type poems and stories, but she too stopped and removed her content. πŸ™
            That should start you out for now. πŸ˜‰

  2. I think the best way to do it going forward is to have menu options in your header. Which will allow you to keep topics separated and not have it seeming like a ‘sex blog’. I have seen that community and as you and bexoxo have said, they well and truly are really only about sex. I think having choices like ‘Humor’ ‘Politics’ ‘Sex Talk’ or titles to that effect will allow your blog to grow because it shows you write about diverse topics and you purposely want them all in one place. I know some bloggers create separate blogs altogether for certain topics but that seems utterly confusing to manage to me. Write what you want about!

    1. This is an interesting idea. I don’t want to write anything sex-blog-like really which is where the dilemma lies. I’m on the fence about whether it’s possible to acknowledge sex in your life and talk about it AND at the same time respect my privacy and that of others and not sound like a sex blog.

      Tough line to walk…

      1. I also think there is hesitation to blog about one’s sex-life in a forum that they share with friends and family. I for one, try and keep a certain anonymity, making it easier to share that part of my life…

      2. If it helps, I feel like because you write with a healthy sense of humor that it will work to your advantage. Your writing is clever and were you to write about sex in a more direct way I’m pretty sure it would come off the way this one did (off to bake some muffins!). The other thing is that I’m sure other bloggers who have written for awhile will tell you the same thing. All you can do is try, and experiment with your topics, layout, menus, tags, etc. It took me awhile to figure that out. My blog is very niche, but in going outside my comfort zone ever so slightly, I picked up more follows from people who would not have liked my main concept. Right now I feel happy about ‘what’ the blog is.

  3. Oh gosh yes! I feel like you are me, just Irish. And more witty. I’ve got a whiny sex post in Drafts that I’ve been tinkering with for weeks now because I’m not sure how far I want to take it. Maybe I’ll test the waters by retelling my favorite sexual accident story and see how that goes…

    1. DO ITTTT! You’ve got more wit in your little finger than I have in my entire body. I’m curious now about how many sexual accidents you’ve had that you’re able to pick a favourite!

  4. I think you can discuss it as you may discuss things normally. So if you’re talking about something and you think of. Sex related incident maybe you can add the incident to the story and then go back to what you were saying? That way it’s more organic, what do you think?

  5. There’s not even open communication about sex! I think it’s an important topic. I mean obviously, just normalizing it. I feel like so many people are out there doing it but still so many are ashamed about it. NOT ANYMORE!
    I hope you’re able to find the balance there because I know I could never get to that point. (probably because my parents follow my blog and I could never let them read that.)

  6. I just daid Happy Hump Day to my colleague and she said ‘oh do you have set days for it?’ Hahaha!
    Everybody does it but like you say it’s such a taboo subject!!

  7. I have no clue why people are so uptight about talking about sex. It’s a central piece of our core, and we are all a direct result of two people having sex…minus in-vitro fertilization. I’m not shy about talking about it by any means, but it isn’t central to my site posts. In your case, I’d say the same thing I’ve told other people who’ve questioned whether they should or shouldn’t write about certain topics: you do you, whatever that entails. This is your site, and you should feel free to discuss whatever you choose. Including about sex.
    Love your site, and very nice to meet you. πŸ˜ƒ

  8. To date, I’ve written I think three or four posts about sex? Let’s see…the first one was when I had to talk about a vice so I talked about watching a lot of porn….then there was one talking about how one of the real downsides I’m struggling with right now forcing myself to be single is the no sex…then there was the whole ‘with the entire family gone for two months I really wish I had someone to come over and take advantage of this freedom with’ post that I tried to make as subtle as possible but was, really, ‘I want to do it in every room like bunnies but can’t’.
    I think the first part in being able to talk about this on a blog is to be as honest, unabashed, and open as possible. Which I think you’ve got down pat. I think the second part is finding ways to discuss it that respect the privacy of others. I mean, you want to talk about your preferences and likes and dislikes, you do you. But when you want to talk about experiences, stories, reflections, gotta be careful.
    I’ll be honest I’ll probably continue to sprinkle sex into my writings myself, but I just need to be careful since most of my experiences were with Beautiful and I don’t want to write about her anymore than I already have and just move on. So I guess the other advice is not to fixate.
    Blogging is like a conversation with friends. NO ONE talks just about sex all the time, and no one ever just doesn’t talk about it AT ALL. When the mood strikes, when the conversation shifts, lean into the curve. It’s the most natural way I think, is to just consider where you’re taking the conversation.

  9. It is a funny thing, I don’t know why there is that divide. I believe it merely mirrors society. We don’t talk about sex in normal, platonic, polite conversation (besides jokingly). But, once you bridge that gap, it seems it is all you can talk about. I say that as one who writes basically a sex blog, who occasionally blogs about non-sexual things!

  10. Write about what you want to write about…please yourself through your blog. People that write about sex will engage on your sex posts and those that write about more granola pursuits won’t. Then, if so inspired, write about non-sexual topics and different readers will engage on that post. I have a predominantly sexual leaning blog. But, I share my passion for photography, digital art, videography, psychology, and love as well. Be authentic to yourself in your blog and we will follow your journey. 😘

  11. My advice is: don’t care about what we think. We’ll read it, regardless, because you wrote it. (Yes, I nominated myself as the spokesperson of your followers). I think a lot of bloggers go through this sort of thing, where we don’t know if we’re allowed to stray from the norm and write about something “else”. I say do it, it’s your blog.

  12. Quinn, that’s what makes the human race so fascinating, our own uniqueness and our own individual ability to share aspects of our uniqueness of our lives, likes, dislikes, loves, thoughts, in our own way.

    No one has the ability to truly judge another.

    So you write about what you want to write about, just be you, that’s what makes you unique.

  13. Hmmm, an interesting post Quinn. I’ll echo what many have commented already… “Write exactly what you want and what you’re comfortable with.” Anyone can move along if they don’t enjoy your topic(s).

    The subject of sex — even more so the types of sex — and its expressions I find varies on two factors: 1) degrees of family values/priorities growing up and all sexual person’s backgrounds that are involved, and less so, but still important, 2) community (regional) culture. Peer-influence always plays into it for many people and there are probably degrees of how much (or little) self-confidence, self-esteem was taught/encouraged on the subject by parents and family.

    Though I live in one of the more conservative states of the U.S. (Texas, which I loathe btw), my parents and family (especially paternal side) were NOT timid about sex and all the pleasures and joys of the world! This ‘expressive’ trait goes back at least 5 or 6 generations! Hahahaha. As a result, myself and most of my dearest friends — of every walk of life, gender, and orientation — freely talk about sex. In fact, my circle might say that’s an understatement. Hah!

    Nevertheless, more blog-posts like this are needed Quinn. Too much ignorance or naivety around the world for such a NATURAL healthy (responsible) behavior! Post more! <3 πŸ˜€

    1. Grrrrrrrr… apologies for the HTML error/omission of the slash-mark! If you want to clean it up Quinn, just place a / -mark after my quote, 1st paragraph. That will fix all of it. Then you may delete this comment. Thanks!

  14. I have posted about sex. Least I am sure I have. I know I don’t do it very often but I am sure that is has crept up in either one of my blogs before. The intimate post that you commented on is kind of there, but not quite. But then I know I’ve also had a revamp of them and so those posts may no longer be live, i’ll have to have a look and see if any are still lurking.

    For me though writing about it is… Well awkward, I prefer to write something that is more akin to romantic rather than something just smutty, why? I am not sure really, I guess that it is the way it comes across, especially in written form, just like humour can be lost in writing (unless you know that persons personality) I think discussing sex can be the same, it can make you look like some kind of deranged being with weird fetishes even if you don’t intend them to be like that.

      1. I just looked through my other blog (not the one you commented on) there was nothing on there, the nearest thing was about a girl that I used to work with and she rocked up at a pub for a works doo and looked absolutely stunning. As an aside it made me realise that that blog is amazingly boring with hardly any pictures… I feel a cull coming.

        I’ll look through the other blog (the one you did comment on) now.

        Can you tell that I would rather be doing something other than work right now?

      2. Sorry, me again. OK, on the Habit for Heavy Hearts blog there is a post called ‘lazy Sunday morning’ more a short story than anything else, but I think that is how i tackle the subject when I write about it, via a story like post.

  15. Very nice artical, we think in sex in animal way may be more nothing make as satisfay we need more with new different positions different way with no respect for our humanity this is happen when we lose real love.

  16. Write whatever inspires you. You’ll soon fond your sensual feet.
    Duration is more important than ‘how to do it’.
    The mechanics, everyone knows but to take it to a
    higher level…. that is something else.

  17. First the good news… Quinn, I’m floored, absolutely floored by your writing style. It strikes me as clear, insightful, witty, down to earth, and engaging. Can it really be true you’ve just gotten started? Have you had other blogs before this one? I’m genuinely curious how you became so skillful.

    Now the bad news… I, too, have a blog! And that mere fact combined with my male levels of testosterone naturally convinces me that I’m an expert on all things bloggy. Wow! Are you in luck, Quinn! Now, here’s my sage advice on how to blog about sex….

    Just kidding! The people who’ve commented before me impress me as having already offered you excellent advice – there’s not much I can add to what they’ve said. I will, however, take you up on your request to be linked to articles on sex that might give you ideas about how to write about the subject. I wrote this article ten years ago, it’s gotten tens of thousands of views over the years, and it’s been reprinted in two online magazines upon request of their editors. Unfortunately, the writing style is no where near as good as yours. But here it is anyway: Danielle Goes to an Erotic Dance Club.

    Thanks for putting together such a great blog! I look forward to your future posts. .

  18. Even though I don’t know you very well yet, I got excited when I saw you were going to talk about s-e-x. But, the Finding Dory Armbands and mention of The Donald soon clipped that mood. NSFW blogging goes in a lot of directions and I’m sure you can find your nitch, whether here or on a different blog using a pseudonym. Take a look at this blog… http://fdotleonora.com. I’ll send another in a private message, as I do not want to shock your gentle readers.

    1. Thanks Ted! Yeah it’s more about talking about not talking about it… And I laughed at you calling them “gentle” readers! Thanks!

  19. When I decided to include Le Sex in my stories (back when I was 11 or 12) it was partly in reaction to the ridiculous way I saw others depicting it. Descriptions always seemed to fall into one of two camps: porn, or stupid. “Sex Blogs” were (are) more like “Rutting Blogs”, complete with virtual anatomy lessons. The rest skew the other way, proffering tortured analogies and too many adverbs and adjectives, all in the service of trying to mask the fact that they were rutting.

    I try to get that middle ground you describe, or at least the reality as I’ve experienced it. Two wit: funny, fun, potentially embarrassing (when done right), potentially disastrous, and, most important for reality’s sake, often just seamlessly woven into the fabric of a normal day. No running across meadows in soft focus, no throbbing members, no “opening like the petals of a musk scented lotus”. Sex is real in real life. It’s great – REALLY great – but hardly ever stylized. No matter how romantic the setting, no matter how perfect the passion, people get pubes caught in the back of their throat. The cat jumps up coughs up a hairball on the bed. The vibrator shorts out and plunges the entire neighborhood into darkness. THAT’S sex, and frankly that’s what I think is not only the most realistic sex, but also the most fun to read and write about.

    But you do your own thing. Frankly, I think it would be hilarious to read an overly graphic rutting segment from you. Not sure why…..

    πŸ™‚

  20. I once had a blog that focused on the world of sex establishments in Manila, Philippines. Got it going for a few years but felt it becoming a stale topic. I would have conversations with escorts, massage parlor attendants, spa therapists, and other “personal service providers.” I’m rebooting it in WordPress though I’ll probably talk about other things than sex.

  21. Tbh, I want to know how to bridge the gap too and not be too weird about it. I don’t necessarily want to write about sex but I want to write about periods and female this is like that. I think I’m waiting a few years to gain more confidence coz these are taboo topics although it’s so common

  22. I must have missed this post when it came out…though I can’t possibly think why. The title would definitely have drawn me in.
    I guess you’re right about a divide amongst bloggers, but we could find divisions or off limit topics everywhere (from banal: movies, not TV shows to racy sexual fantasy versus sexual reality).
    Sex would certainly constitute a Perfect Moment, but I haven’t written about it, and probably wouldn’t.
    I have written my thoughts on other people’s more racier blogs and did enjoy the chance to express the sexual side of me–or at least a more sexual vocabulary that I don’t often get to write about.
    As for you, I am sure you will make the right decision for yourself.

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